Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.