Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Cake!!
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok