Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

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I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.