Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

bags with threatening auras

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”