Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Mmmm canned fish.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.