Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.![]()
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
So Hamburger help me, God
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO