Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
You Might Also Like
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My last name is Zilla.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
New nose
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.