Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.