Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog