Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.