Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.