Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

smh

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did