Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
My life in a nutshell
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes