Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Fights fire with marshmallows

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

ㅤ

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship