Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat