Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
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[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen