Panda express…๐ถ๐พ๐ผ๐จ๐
You Might Also Like
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Gonna start saying โthatโs what they want you to believeโ whenever anyone disagrees with me
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast ๐ so far Iโve had zero birthday breakfasts ๐ and two Blu-ray players robbed ๐
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, youโll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bobโs funeral home, youโll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I donโt know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote โyou go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and youโre an excellent team playerโ and then marked it as meets expectations!
Iโm about to be so unsatisfactory ๐๐ป
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me