Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.