Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

Dune (2021)

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

The days of good grammer has went

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]