Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

the way this pissed me off… 😭

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me