Pandas 🐼🖤
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?