Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
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Its true…
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Meow
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
new record!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.