Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
How do dragons blow out candles?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.