Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Follow me for more life hacks.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?