Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
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My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.