Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.