Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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My current situation
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?