Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
How I like cutting carbs
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.