Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
