Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!