Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

courtroom exchange of the day

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.