Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
genius
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.