Pandas 🐼🖤
You Might Also Like
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.