Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Oops I deleted….

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.