pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
why I oughta
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.