Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’