Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!