Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.