Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

I beg your pardon?

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

me after drinking all the wine:

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.