Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Customize Your Wedding.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
grandparents are too precious for this world
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.