Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I’m listening
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Blocked: 1985
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
i want the dreams to chase me for once