Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.