panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
at ease…shoulder.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?