Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”