panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back