panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My favorite farside!!
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.