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@Smooheed

I’m just a girl

In a room full of people

Wondering how the hell I managed to miss my chair again

@hazelmotes1

Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

@shkeeber

Me: *applies temporary tattoos*

Mom: Unicorn tats?

Me: I’m in a gang.

Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank?

Me: You just made a powerful enemy.

@AlexReekie

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

@Mainstream_Man

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

@RobElliottComic

Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh

Me, Rap battling