Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
You Might Also Like
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
God has abandoned us.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
good morning
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice