Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Facebook memories be like
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%