*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.