*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
You Might Also Like
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’m awake but I object,
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.