panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy