Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH