*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.