*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.