Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*