Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Worst bar ever.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.