Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce