[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
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weird email i got today
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: