[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face