[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”