Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
How funny!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?