Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10