Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes