Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
this is so top tier i cant
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.