Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.