pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
happy mother’s day❤️
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.