pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My kitchen overserved me.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.