Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.