Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.