Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”