Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked