Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*