Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.