Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
🤣
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?