Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
what it’s like dating me:
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa