Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake