Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

As per my previous tablet…

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

🤣✨#caturday

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory