papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.